Punk Mom Talks | THINGS I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO UNDERSTAND

Apparently, I am an aberration. At least in terms of how my personal tastes and preferences line up with the particular demographic I occupy. I am a mother of two, I live in the suburbs (because it turns out it's really expensive or inconvenient to live in the "cool" neighborhoods when you have kids in our town), I am over 35 and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND 90% of what is marketed to me. Most of the stuff I AM interested in is not really marketed to my demographic, but that's a whole different kettle of fish guts. So just for funsies, here's a list of some things to which I just can't relate.

1. INTERNET MOMMY HUMOR. I know, I totally do. It's stressful and hard and you need to relax somehow. I get it, women like chocolate and wine and it would sometimes be nice if you're kids had a mute button and blah blah blah. Occasionally, I will snicker at one of these jokes, and once in an odd while I will really laugh, but these are usually ones sent to me by friends that share my sense of humor. Sure "Chardonnay Playdate" might sound all tongue-in-cheek: "we're bad! I mean not liquor and drugs bad, but still, ooooooh!!" The idea of a flippin' Chardonnay Playdate sounds like hell on earth to me. The last thing I want to do is get all tore up on box wine while my kids and someone else's kids draw on my walls with Gogurt.  Your child is crying for an arbitrary reason? Yeah, mine too, and it's funnier when it happens at your house and I don't get to see it.

2. HGTV. Unless you're going to make a house look like this or this, I'm not interested


3. FASHION ADVICE. Pieces every woman over 30 should own? Nah. Quick hairstyles for busy moms?  Pass. I could go on with this one all day, but the general rule for me is Does Not Apply.

4. ANYTHING RELATED TO A DIET OR EXERCISE PROGRAM. I'm not advocating sitting on the couch all day with an IV of ranch dressing hooked up to your gullet.I wish I had that kind of time. But I don't need help losing the baby weight either; I already lost it, and I didn't even try, really. And I didn't need a hot-pilates-kale-enema to do it. I'm not bragging. Really. All I essentially did was eat whatever my kids left on the plate reasonably and chase my babies around the house. Two kids under 4, that's my workout plan. And even if I hadn't lost it (which I didn't after my first) I would just, well, deal with it. Without pseudo-science and special pants.

5. PREPACKAGED SPIRITUAL GROWTH. I'm not against spiritual growth. I just don't think I'm going to find it on a 45 minute talk show or a GIF in my Facebook feed. Oprah is not my pastor.

6. TABLOID GOSSIP & CELEBRITY NEWS. I don't know who most of these people are, so why would I care what they do?

7. EROTIC SUPERNATURAL FICTION. I want to punch this genre in the face.

8. LILLY PULITZER. Lisa Frank for adults. And with that, I'll leave you with this unicorn and go whine elsewhere.